About Horizon
by MiyukiGainsborough
Summary: I hide my true emotions when I'm alone. You've always brought them out though, Kaidan.  UPDATED


_I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did._

Just a few steps into the captain's cabin of the Normandy SR-2 before her arm reached out and one finger pressed a button between the two large fish tanks. Fish food sprinkled into the water and the exotic fish rushed to the slowly sinking flakes.

_You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?_

As if in a daze, she slid the same index finger along the glass until she reached a brightly colored fish she had bought on Illium. Her nail tapped quietly over the spot the fish was and it immediately swam away. She gave an inaudiable chuckle.

_I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I-I loved you._

She then slowly moved to the dresser next to the fish tanks and opened up a drawer where an evening dress lay. After an important mission with Kasumi where she had to wear the dress, she had decided it would be her 'captain' uniform. After all, though she was doing missions on Cerberus's dime, she would never be a part of Cerberus. Therefore, she refused to wear anything with the forbidden symbol.

_Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?_

Clasps and zippers were pulled and slowly the commander removed her heavy armor, the pieces then being laid on the neatly made bed. Her eyes took a minute to look at the purple and black armor. Though she had worn it on many missions already, it was nothing like the armor she wore when she worked for the Alliance. When she worked on the original Normandy...with her original crew. Sure, she had Garrus and Tali back. She even grew to care for all her new crew members but there was a comfort in her heart with the people who joined her on her very first suicide mission.

_I did move on...at least I thought I did...but now we've got reports of you and Cerberus._

Everything that had happened to her from the moment she stepped onto Eden Prime to the current time, she remembered. She remembered, she felt, she...hurt...

_I wanted to believe you were alive but I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me._

Everything...everything her and Kaidan had gone through and now...So much more wanted to come from her mouth during their reunion on Horizon but nothing she really wanted to say would come out. Despite how much she was breaking on the inside, her outside stayed the normal, calm Shepard like always. The ruthless, serious Shepard that everyone knew. The one who would shoot a gas tank right underneath a Krogan's feet but would still console a grieving mother so her mission could continue.

_Maybe...or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight._

But she was thinking straight. She understood how Kaidan was feeling but his words actually stung. She felt she had something strong with the lieutenant. In fact, he was the first person she had wanted to see when she woke up. Cerberus...Kaidan was a great man who knew what he stood for and wouldn't turn his back on his beliefs. She just wished he would have let her explain better. Horizon wasn't the place to explain her situation but the man Kaidan was just wouldn't see anything else.

_You've changed but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance solider, always will be._

A sigh escaped the woman's lips as she finished changing into the evening dress. Drawers closed with the press of the button and her armor was stored away until her next mission. Her eyes glanced to the nightstand on the left of her bed. There sat her dogtags that Liara had given her. A piece of her that was still Alliance. Though she did not look at it, she thought about the helmet she had found from the armor she was wearing when she died. Another piece. She felt that even though she would still do anything for the Alliance, she would be just a Spectre with no alliance with anyone but herself. She would do things the way she wanted to. She just wished Kaidan would have seen that.

_You betrayed me._

"No, Kaidan...I promise...I did not betray you...," she whispered as she ran a shakey hand through her dark red hair. Why was this hitting her so hard? She had felt so many different feelings when she was around Kaidan. Could it really be love?

"Shepard," EDI spoke over the intercom, "You have recieve a new message on your private terminal."

It really couldn't wait until she got downstairs to hear those words from Kelly? Maybe it was important, maybe it was from the Illusive Man, maybe it was just junk mail. Only one way to find out.

Clicking of her heels bounced off the walls of the room as she walked over to her desk. She pressed a couple of buttons and saw a single message in the inbox titled "About Horizon..." Her body when cold. Kaiden? She clicked open the message immedietely and began to read.

_Shepard,_

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._

Yes, she did remember it. The first and only time they had made love. It was different than when she was with other men. His touch was warm and...protecting. When he held her, it was as if he was taking over as captain and making a promise to keep her safe. For once, she had felt like she didn't have to be the tough, serious Commander Shepard that everyone saw. She could relax.

She gave a small smile and continued to read.

_But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

_When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care._

_-Kaidan_

Her mind went blank, her knees buckled. She didn't know what to think at that moment. His words...his apology...the rest of the memories were flooding back.

Shaking hands clutched into tight fists and canines dug into her bottom lip. Did he not understand what she had gone through? She had been dead for two years then brought back by Cerberus not the Alliance. The people she had fought by and protected had turned their back on finding the ruins of the old Normandy and her body. They gave her burial by declaring her killed in action and letting her last resting place be the frozen planet she had been pulled to. Didn't seem to matter to them since she had no living biological parents and her foster mother had long been out of the picture since Shepard had come of age. It wasn't as if the people of the Citadel wouldn't want a proper burial for their hero. The Alliance took it as another death of a soldier when Cerberus took the time and the money to bring her back. She had been truly scared of facing the Alliance when she was back on her feet.

"Damnit!" she shouted, shoving the items on her desk to the floor in an intense rage. "I was dead! I was dead then I was brought back by people we fought all the time and you expected me to get my head together long enough to send you a message telling you what happened?" Her fists slammed on the desk once then twice before she stopped, eyes catching the picture of Kaiden that was now sitting on the floor.

Her knees buckled before they gave way and she fell to the floor. Her eyes wide and staring into nothing. Tears began to fall from her eyes. When had she become so soft? After the incident on Elysium? Or maybe Kaiden had been slowly breaking her tough exterior from day one? Had that man really made the great Commander Shepard shed tears? Tears like waterfalls that she was unable to control. She sobbed but quite softly, Kaidan's name slipping passed her quivering lips once or twice.

_When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. _

Yes...when things settled down...when the Reaper threat was over and the universe was safe...she would go back to him. She would rush back into that man's arms the moment everything was safe and good again. Maybe her tears would even show, not just to him but even to the teammates, the people, the aliens...everyone. She would sob for his forgiveness, for his love.

When the universe was safe again, she would hold onto Kaiden and never let him go again. Neither the Alliance, Cerberus, not even death, would be able to break her away from the man she finally realized she loved.


End file.
